Hmmm Birthmonth... Joy.

Sooo I guess It's been quite a while. I haven't really blogged in couple of months now. The last time I did was when my husband was still deployed. It's not that I've been busy... I haven't really I just haven't had anything to really write about. I've been so happy and relieved to have my husband home. Things have been great... only this month as usual I've been pretty depressed and I don't mean that I'm always depressed. This is just the time of year that brings back all those bittersweet childhood memories of birthday parties with my family, cake and gifts.... my last birthday party was in 1992, I turned 7 on August 26th. My brother turned 4 in September.. since he was born our parents always celebrated our birthdays in one big bash. Everyone was invited. It was the event of the year (although it was nothing spectacular. We gathered at my aunts house and had music, food and games. it was so much fun. On September 15th of 1992 my grandfather (also my all time favorite person in the world passed away). My life as I knew it ended. 

My grandfather was to me what my father never was and sadly never will be. He provided me with the security and confidence I needed. He answered all my questions truthfully (and I asked a lot). He never failed to point out how smart I was or how beautiful I was. Losing my grandpa was like losing a part of me, that to this day I've never gotten back. The only things I have of him are partial memories and the smell of lavender, root beer floats, black licorice, and gummy bears. I recall a conversation vaguely where I asked him if he'd ever leave and he replied no. For so many years his response angered me and made me bitter. He told me he'd always be around. He said he would be front and center at all my big events. I knew the day he died that it would never be true and I hated him for leaving me behind. The day of his funeral i cowered in a corner, sobbing, praying that he would come back. I kicked and screamed when it was time to go, things for me were never the same. 

Our family was not a family anymore. We were now a puzzle missing it's most important piece and that unity that my grandfather some how gave us, shattered when we lost him. We all drifted apart, moved away, everyone changed. I was never the same and neither was anyone else. Our families gathered less and less and we no longer celebrated my birthday. I missed it, but mostly I missed him and the effect his heart of gold had on people. He made everyone better. These days I can't think too happily of my birthday because I'm always reminded of how great things used to be and how wonderful they could've been if he were only still here. Where ever he is... I'm happy he's no longer alone. My grandmother joined him in October of 2009. I know they're watching over us now.  RIP Grandma and Grandpa...... I love, miss, and remember you! 

Gift of Life and Love

My Letter To Heaven


Dearest Antonio, 

I'm your only son's wife... I felt compelled to write to you, in honor of this day. It would've been nice to know you. You're son is an amazing man, I know you'd be so proud of him, and the soldier, husband and father that he became. I'm proud to be his wife. Everyday, I think of you and I say a little prayer. I pray that you're out there looking over him, although I know that there's no need for me to ask. I know if you were here, you'd say to him how great he is and then he might believe it. Everything would've been different for him. If he had only had you to lean on. If he could've only cried with you. His youth would've been different If you had only been around. He'd have known how great he was, how smart and how talented. How loved he was. He'd have known he could be more, do more.  He loves his Dad, Juan has been such a great father... I know you know that too. Regardless, I can see the void it's left in him, a void no one can fill. To never have spent one day with you, has left him to wonder if you would approve of him and who he has become, I know that you would. I just hope that he figures that out.

He's a beautiful man, with a heart of gold. I don't know if I say it enough, that I love him more than life itself. He's smart, and incredibly good looking. He has your eyes you know, and your smile. He has your height and even your hair. He looks very little like Mom, he's identical to you. I don't know how else to say to him how much he means to me, to make him believe it. He has all the answers, it's astounding how much knowledge fits in his brain. I'm always in awe by his random facts. He loves Astronomy and Science in general. I wish we knew if you did too. He loves to read of newly discovered species, he googles it. Even with all those smarts he still self doubts. I hope our children get that from him, not the insecurity, but the craving to know more.. I wish you'd met them too. Or rather that they'd gotten to meet you. I know wherever you are you're watching them, getting to know them. 

It's unbelievable how one action, can cause a reaction that alters the universe.

It's possible had you been around, he'd never have come to the U.S. Maybe, he'd still be in El Salvador... he could be somewhere else, who knows. Then, I wouldn't have such a wonderful extended family as I do today, a sister that I love and two more brothers, aunts and uncles, more parents or my darling kids... but I like to believe that maybe someday, we'd have run into each other and met the same fate. Only difference would've been you. I don't know you and I love you. I miss you and yet, we have never met. I look forward to meeting you in heaven and I hope for now, you'll continue to look over him and our children. I hope that you'll find a way to show him, how wonderful he is.

Rest In Peace Dad

Antonio Elias Martinez (on right)

Peace. Love. Sanity

Memorial Day

Unlike Valentines Day, National Nurses Day or Secretaries Day this isn't a simple Hallmark holiday. It was first known as Decoration Day, originating in the years following the Civil War. It became an official federal holiday in 1971. It was a time when people would visit the graves and various memorials dedicated to the brave souls who sacrificed themselves for their country and decorate the sites. Adding ribbons, flowers, and letters to loved ones lost. A time where people celebrated with parades and carnivals the gift of life and the purpose behind it's loss. 

Sadly, today fewer and fewer people see it for what it is. More and more people celebrate by partying and drinking, which is fine, but where's the recognition that our veterans deserve? The veterans from as far back as the civil war and those from today. 

This weekend will be a time of remembrance for me, a time where I will not only thank those brave men and women for their gift of service to our country, but thank their families as well. I appreciate every man and woman who has given the ultimate gift. As well as every man and woman who is still out there, ready to pay the same price for our freedom. 

On a more personal level, I will remember the men who fought side by side with my husband and never made it home. Among these men was PFC Adam Harris.

In Loving Memory of Adam Harris

Adam Harris was my husbands best friend,  he had a great sense of humor. He was loved by all, today, he is missed dearly. I never personally knew him but he had made such an impact on my husband in such a positive way I feel like I owe him a lot. He was killed in action only a month before homecoming. This Memorial Day Blog is dedicated to him, because all though I feel sorrow for his loss, it could've very well been my husband. Thank You Adam! For the sacrifice you gave, I would have loved to know you! 

The End Of The Yellow Brick Road...

I've been standing still for far too long. Waiting, praying, hoping. Waiting for my husband to come home, praying he's safe and hoping time goes by quickly. It's not much longer now, our family as well as countless others are preparing for the return of their soldier. I can feel the emotions people go through, a sense of elation that surrounds them and me as well. This Mother's Day weekend was an exceptionally lovely one, not just because of the flowers my husband sent me or the my daughter remembering [of her own accord] to wish me a happy holiday. Also because we prepared banners for our soldiers homecoming.

Below: Megan Parker and Andrea Degraca

The banners will hang in the gym when our husbands come marching in. It will be only a small token of our love and appreciation for the immense sacrifices they make. It took our time, love and a lot of effort to create and we hope it conveys to them even a fraction of how happy we are that they're returning.

Below: Megan Parker, Andrea Degraca and Rochelle Tapia

It's really exhilarating to know that in so little time they'll be back, It's a relief as well. So many of us are managing a household on our own that involves more responsibility than we're used to. Dealing with basic (or not so basic) challenges like a pregnancy, a birth, your child going from infancy to toddler or even an elementary age child transforming to a preteen. Then there's those out of the ordinary situations we have to learn to get by like buying a house, selling a car, changing a car battery or affixing a license plate to the front of your vehicle (LOL). We've certainly learned to cope with whatever comes our way, and after almost a year of this (more than a year if you count training beforehand) we're happy to share the responsibility once again and welcome our own "Battle Buddies" home.

Below: Megan, Rochelle and I

So, Thank You. Not only to the men and women who have put their lives on the line for our freedom, but to the women who stayed behind. Those women who we're not only my support system, but my family. I am eternally grateful to you all for your friendship, your moral support, and your encouragement. You will always have a place in my heart and in my home. I love you all.  We're at the end of the race! We are all victorious!

Peace. Love. Sanity.

War, The Health Hazard

Of course Jeanette, it's common sense. Being a soldier in the U.S. Army, or any Army for that matter, poses a serious threat to a soldiers life, as well as his health. They're likely to be shot at; possibly injured. As wives/husbands/parents our biggest fear is just that, or worse yet, death. So when our loved ones come home alive and in one peace, we're overjoyed. Of course, it's only normal! None of us could ever imagine our family members coming home with a serious illness, much less the possibility that war, may have been the cause.

This is why I am writing this today. I've just been told by an old friend, that two soldiers from my husbands unit had been diagnosed with Cancer, sadly one has passed away, and another is currently fighting his battle. Upon further research I found that there's many more cases out there of soldiers coming home with critical health problems. You may now be wondering what the causes may be. It can vary, "depleted uranium in projectiles, remains of Saddams chemical weapons and even burning oil wells." as New York's 'The Sun' states. Radiation is happening and soldiers are coming home to die from exposure.

What can we as wives/husband or parents do? Inform yourself and don't panic. Even if your family member has deployed, it doesn't mean they have cancer. Even so, I will tell you they can request to have tests run. They call it the "Gulf War Exam" and any soldier returning from the middle east can ask to have it done. VA won't take responsibility for anything diagnosed 12 months after exiting the service so have your soldier do it now? Have it be the first thing they do. Because it can never be too soon to treat, although symptoms take time to appear. If there's something in their blood, it will be seen.

Lastly, this isn't intended to spread fear but it's heart breaking to hear of friends who are fighting a battle for us, serving our country and our country won't fight for them. Where is this in the headlines? We need less "Snookie" and more news of the battles our soldiers are fighting. Not only overseas but on the home front. I want you all to be informed and if nothing more, know of the exam. It's our soldiers rights to become aware of all the help that's out there for them, before it's too late! I'm including the articles and pages I've come across. Please read for yourself and spread the word or share this page!

Residue From the Burn Pits of Iraq: Soldiers with Cancer

Veterans' Rare Cancers Raise Fears of Toxic Battlefields

SSG Matthew Bumpus' Battle

Love. Peace. Sanity.

Fall seven times, stand up eight.

I like to think that I'm entering a new chapter in my life. One where I flourish and grow as a woman, as well as reconnect with myself as a youth. Of course I'll never get those years back and I don't care to. The dreams and aspirations that girl had however, is a different story. I still hope to someday accomplish what I one day hoped to be.

This new part of my life, is a fresh start. I cherish my past and don't regret the decisions that have brought me to where I am. Every wrong turn was a lesson learned. Today as I was cleaning out my email inbox from the email that I've had since 02, I stumbled upon a note I wrote to myself. One I don't even recall writing. It reads as follows:

"Jeanette,

Be proud, for today is a new day, your past is walking away from you as we speak.... boarding a plane to Guadalajara, Mexico. He said he'd return in a year or so, but by then it won't matter anymore. He will be just a simple memory faded with time, there is clairevoyance now, in your future your thoughts are clear, you can accomplish anything.... you survived yesterday, you can handle anything today!!! 

~Much love~
Your Inner Strength
Yourself, Your Bestfriend, You"

Written April 19 of 2004

It was referring to an abusive ex that I had finally managed to break free of. A person that left me hurt, confused and broken. Since then my self esteem has been low. Of course it's affected my decisions in all I do. From marriage to parenting, work to school, I question my abilities. Thankfully, my husband is a sweet, gentle and caring man, who does his best to boost my self esteem.

Today, I am happy to say, I am a much more confidant person than I have ever been. I owe it not only to my husband, but my kids and the many friends I have been blessed with. Of course there's still those people who think they're better than me and in all honesty, they might just be. Or could've been, if not for their self righteousness, false sense of superiority and arrogance.

I pride myself in being a kind, loving and loyal friend. One that won't put you down when you're feeling tattered or torn. I won't sting you with sarcasm when you need support and sensitivity.

*Moral*

No one has the right to treat you like dirt. If there's someone you know that says hurtful things to you, no matter how sarcastic or subliminal. Remove them from your life. The drama that may ensue is nothing, compared to the feeling of relief you get from being able to say or do something without fear of judgement.

Love. Peace. Sanity

Educating Jei

You can get all A's and still flunk life.  ~Walker Percy

I think that this quote suits me, in it's reverse form. I was terrible in school, but in life I feel like I've done excellent. I have a husband who loves me, and two wonderful kids. I have exceptional friends who surround me and I've come to love like my own family. Correction. They are my family. 

This doesn't, however, change the fact that as beautiful as my life is and as much as I enjoy my husband and kids, I feel there can be more to my life. It's something I've been thinking of constantly and I came to a realization today, that if I wanted something to happen, I had to make it happen. So I went to our local Education Center on post.

I felt instantly sick, walking in the door, with nausea and anxiety. In my head I heard voices telling me to turn around and quit wasting time. I heard myself say, "you'll never finish anyway, you'll fail or worse yet, quit". It took every ounce of my will power not to get up and walk out. I stuck through it though, and eventually my number came up the big 1-6. I spoke to a counselor who advised me as to what classes I can potentially take and how to apply for Financial Aid. It was the hardest thing I've done in a long time, sit there and try not to look petrified, listening to this woman talk to me an tell me of all the things that I can do. And not cry.

You may have already guessed that I am quite an insecure person. If you haven't you're a little dim. Just kidding, jokes are my way of shaking off anxiety and stress. I can sometimes joke about things that are inappropriate or at an inappropriate time. That was completely irrelevant, sorry. Most of us have insecurities, be them about our appearances, our intelligence and any skills that we may have. That we could look better, be smarter, and accomplish more. My insecurities range from all of these and then some. So it comes to no surprise to me, that sitting in that office, I felt unworthy. Except. For the past 4 years I've let my insecurities be the basis of my actions. Why I do, or rather didn't do those things I dreamed of doing. Nothing and no one but myself, was holding me back. Come to find out I could have been somewhere, not far from finishing a career, under the assumption that I'd have done well, of course. I plan to no longer let my fears of failure halt my efforts. As they say "The only real failure in life, is the failure to try"...

Moral...

I may or may not do well but I'm capable of trying and willing to do so.

I'm going to go back to school and put 150% of what I have into it... because normal people to Jei ratio... that's the equivalent of putting in 100% effort. Haha! Another Joke!

Peace. Love. Sanity.

One More For The Road?

"A rolling stone gathers no moss"- Publius Syrus

This is the phrase that comes to mind when I think military family. It makes perfect sense with all the relocating, it may not always be you moving but there's always people you come to love, leaving. I've had to say good-bye to a few friends due to an ETS in the past. Now, I'll be the one moving.

For the past 5 years of my life I've called Fort Lewis, Wa, home. So It's no surprise, I'm saddened now that my husband has come up on orders to PCS. By military standards we've been here too long, especially since it's been my husbands only station in his almost 8 year career. I can't help but cry at the thought of leaving the only place I've called home. More home to me, than the place I was born and raised, because it's been the place where our family was established. It should bring me joy to know that by this time next year, I will be planning a move back home. Only 3 hours shy of my parents home and the rest of our familiy, but I can't help but dread going back. I can't help but wonder "Will I ever see the hospital my children were born in again?" "Will the next family to live in this house care for it the same?" "What about all my lakes, rivers and nearby beaches?, Will I ever again see the beauty of my first and only real home?" "What about the friends who have turned into family?" "Am I really prepared to say good-bye?" 

The answers to these questions don't matter. We're leaving and although no one may ever understand, it breaks my heart to have to say good-bye to the friends and family I've made here. The only family I've known for so long. I would go to the moon and back as long as my husband was with me and that's my mantra. If California is to be our next home, I'll view it as a blessing in disguise. 

I'll be trading umbrellas and rain boots for.... whatever Californians use out in the desert. Oh Joy! The Desert, the hot, dry, boring desert. Here we come!

Good-bye beautiful rain, orange and pink sunsets, beautiful trees and green grass!

California... here I come.

Peace. Love. Sanity. 

The Highlight Of My Day....

I would have to say is the end, but is there ever really an end???

I'm not so sure. Every night I put my children to bed at 8 on the dot. I'm very strickt on their bedtime and strive to instill healthy sleeping habits. Sure... occasionally, I'll be out and a bed is not readily available but then we just wait till we come home and It's "Kailie brush your teeth and slip into your jammies" and I prepare a bottle for Ben. I'm actually pretty lucky because neither of my kids are a pain to put down [listen to me they sound like dogs]. All Ben needs is a bottle and a quick song and all Kailie asks is I read a book to her before bed. They're perfect. 

So they're not the problem, but the fact that I turn into a wild woman with a night life when they sleep, is.

Yes. No. I was kidding. Although night time is my time to unwind first comes Laundry, kitchen cleaning, bedroom, bathrooms and everything I can't possibly do uninterrupted during the day. Then when that's done or not (Sometimes I give up, I'll be honest). I go on to maybe write my husband a letter [that I probably won't sent] or edit a video for YouTube, which I recently picked back up. My days drag into nights, and my nights drag into days. Usually by the time I get everything out of the way or half started and put back down [LOL] It's 2am and I'm no longer going to bed and waking up tomorrow, I'm taking a "Power Nap!" and waking up in a couple of hours. It's a never ending story of an Army Wife on deployment and I say this because most other wives I speak to agree, that when the husband is gone getting to bed becomes much more difficult. How could it not? Who wants to go to bed alone? I don't that's for sure. I want my husband to cuddle up to and when I should be asleep I'm staring at my iPod's world clock, set to Baghdad time, wondering what he's doing at that very moment.

* Moral of the Story *

My life during deployment is like a run-on sentence, it has it's pauses [overuse of commas and semicolons] but does it ever really stop? And does it make sense? LOL!

Peace. Love. Sanity. (Please) 

I hope you giggled!

My Hero Falls From Grace.

It's truly saddening to see someone you thought so much of, come crashing down from the pedestal you put him on. My father was always a hero in my eyes. I wrote numerous essays while I was in school, about how incredible he was as a father, a husband and a person in general. Today, all I want to write him is hate mail.

For the first time in my life today I exploded on my mother and I called him a worthless, good for nothing, insensitive ass. I have no respect for him and very little love. At my 24 years of age I have a much higher level of maturity than this man has at 50!

I remember I used to hide behind furniture when his car rolled in the driveway, getting home from work. It was routine that he'd have to come find me when he walked in the door. Only he never found me... I always jumped out at him, and he always acted surprised.

This is much like I think of him now. I always hid from the truth and before it could find me I'd jump out at it to alter the reality in my favor... Truth is; he never played with us, we played with him and even then it was limited. My dad never sat and talked with me about how I was doing in school, with friends or with boys.. or lack there of. He was uninterested in raising us, because he thought that all being a "father" meant, was providing for his family financially.

So now that he doesn't even do that, where does it leave him?

Nowhere. Just another strange face.

Just another person, on the list of people I wish I had the courage to confront. I still love my dad and that hurts the most. Finding out that the person you love, doesn't love you the same. Wanting to beat his face to a pulp and at the same time wishing you could run in to his arms seeking an answer to the simplest question... "Please, say it's not true?"

"Dear Dad,

For a man who's claims to be a devout catholic, your behavior is incredibly unchristian. You are no longer the exemplary man that I could look up to, but the man I will advise my son to never be.

-Jeanette"

How did I get here?

Six years ago, I was a teenage girl. Still living at home, kicking my brothers out of my room, and talking on the phone when I was supposed to be babysitting... I had no real responsibilities, no  stresses and virtually no worries beyond those that a normal 18/19 year old girl deals with.  For example: My parents and their ongoing arguments, my plunging grades, and my brothers "borrowing" cd's without permission.

Today, I'm a wife and mother. 

WOW!

Today, I'm a wife and mother. Yes, I repeated, it's just that surreal. I'm so blessed, incredibly happy, beyond all my dreams and expectations; of course. Still, somedays it's a shock. Everyday it's unbelievable, too good to be true. Earlier, I caught myself staring at this photograph of my husband.

MY husband. This sweet, caring individual, is my HUSBAND! I can't help but gush at the plain and simple image of this man. This photograph does him no justice, because although I feel, it radiates the compassion, affection, trust and love, that make up this gentle man. It's not all of him. No words could ever really define him justly.

I am the luckiest woman alive. He spoils me with all the riches life has to offer, Love, Faith, Hope, Joy, Romance and even Lust. I lust for him as much as I love him. As much as I am IN love with him. I was fourteen years old when we started dating and from day one, it was as if we'd been together forever and we knew we would continue to be together, forever and always, him and I. It was never a matter of "If" we get married, but "When" we get married. He's two years my elder and I was always more mature than a normal girl my age. We spoke of our Holy union as a matter of fact, never a doubt in either of our minds. It scared me to think of sometimes. I was so young and wanted to settle down but seeing the relationship that my own parents had and the various problems they encountered made me fear commitment. I knew anyway, I was crazy wanting to settle down at sixteen. We continued dating even broke up twice, and in the end it all worked out. We married when I was nineteen.

Now, as I sit here online, browsing through the pictures he's posted most recently, I wish I had him near me. I miss him so much, I feel this intense sadness when we're apart. I don't like having to see my husband through pictures and webcam's, I hate not being able to hold him late at night and tell him I love him in person. I always made it a point to tell him I loved him before we went to bed, that's no longer an option. It pains me to have to miss him but I realized today, at least I have someone to miss. I have someone who misses me. I have love across thousands of miles and I feel it pulse through me when he says those words I so long to hear. "I love you!"

Peace. Love. Sanity

The Hardest Part....

For me at least, I will have to say, is being so far away from family. Then watching it fall to pieces. And being the person they call to put the puzzle back together, but i'm 1100 miles away!

My parents relationship has been rocky since day 1, every year they had one big fight, and every year at every age and stage in my own life, I tried to remedy the situation. At 16 I asked them to get a divorce. At that age I had begun been failing in school, I'd become less motivated, and extremely depressed. I had no idea at that time that I had ADHD, and it was complicating everything about me. Now, my parents weren't like most parents who attempt to at least shelter their children from problems in the marriage.

My parents were different. My mother would often rant about my dad having an affair, about how terrible it was, and always made herself feel less guilty about telling me these things, by either beginning or concluding with "I don't tell you this so you can hate your father". So why else would you tell your 13 year old this? My father who rarely spent any quality time with us, would randomly say "Jeanette, wanna go get some ice cream?". The first time this happened, I was ecstatic, especially since I LOVED my dad and seldom got to do anything with him.  When we got there, we ordered our ice cream and went to sit outside, then he asked me rather suddenly "Do you think your mom still loves me?". I felt betrayed and what was worse, my sweet rainbow sherbet, became sour. I couldn't help but say the first thing that came to mind "Why don't you ask her?". He said nothing more to me.

Today, my parents have separated, but things are no better. My dad closed their joint account about 8 months ago without warning and left my mother broke. He only just moved out early this year in January, taking my middle sibling with him and won't give her a cent. My 21 year old brother has been supporting her and my youngest brother, as well as my mentally disabled uncle. They placed their home of 4 years on short sale after a year of not making payments and are mandated to move out by the end of the month, they have nowhere to go. It's an incredibly difficult situation, It is even more complicated today, because in a matter of days, my 21 year old brother will have surgery done. Which means he won't be able to work for 2 months. Did I mention my mom is unemployed?

He's panicking, with good reason, about how they'll survive without his income. It's not even his responsibility!!! Today on his myspace he posted this in a Survey:

"Are you happy with your life right now?

Why wouldn't I be? Everyday new day brings me that much closer to death."

The hardest part is watching my family fall to pieces and not being there to pick them up. The worst part is not wanting to.

I love my family and admire my siblings for their strength and endurance. But have become gravely disappointed in my father, for his irresponsibility and insensitivity and my mother for her lack in action and self help.

Peace, Love, Sanity.

Naturally...

If you're a mom, then you deal with the basic, everyday, take kids to school (or daycare), after school activities, clean up rooms, do laundry, make dinner. Some master the art of making a jogging suit look like a million bucks. Not me. We all deal, at one point or another, with poo in our finger nails, vomit on our best top, and waffles in our hair... oh wait, thats possibly, just me. Eventually, we all get the mom cut, because It's like an initiation rite. We all deal with these things, at least once.  And It makes us the strong, wonderful mothers that we are.

I had this happen to me today and it wouldn't be the first time. Definitely not, the first time. I've dealt with infant diarrhea, and constipation, as well as what my husband and I like to call, projectile poo! I can handle it all with ease. Today, I was playing with my kids in my room, climbing on my bed and jumping around like crazy people; we do this often. My daughter had just finished her waffle breakfast and unbeknownst to me had a mouthful of delicious, syrupy, waffle drool. When I took her in my arms and lifted her up to make her "fly", the mushy substance came falling from her chuckling mouth, and straight into my freshly washed and dried hair. Spectacular!!!! I could not help but burst into uncontrollable  laughter.

Fact is, this stuff happens. It takes me an hour to do my hair, not to mention, shower time. And then it rains or drool lands in it... I would've been furious 5 years ago had it been my brothers doing. It's incredible how much having your own kids changes you! I have always been mature for my age, I'm more adult than my parents half the time. Which is ironic. Having children has taken me to a whole new level of maturity, and it's a great feeling knowing that if I haven't accomplished much in life, at least I've been a great wife and mother. Nothing in my life has been bigger or better than motherhood. Today was a reminder of that. Spit and waffle drool in my hair was not only a marvelous conditioner for my hair, but did wonders for my heart. I can still hear my daughters giggles upon realizing she had showered me in this substance. It was Incredible!

Peace, Love, Sanity, for all.

Why on Earth am I up so early?

I have a four year old little girl and a ten month old little man... they used to wake up at 9am which was great but recently started waking  up at 7:30 am, well today I was up at 5:40am and have been up since!!! I'm a raging lunatic! I should be sleeping but as tired as I feel I was interested in checking the weather and now I just can't go back to sleep it's 6:52 am and more than likely my son will be up in about 30 minutes... So what would be the point? I figure might as well come here and rant obsessively. 

Well, now that, that's over; let me tell you about something my daughter said to me last night. It's customary for either my husband and I, or both, to read our kids a book before bed. Since my husband is currently unavailable, I do the reading . Although occasionally she is so desperate to see her daddy and hear his voice we pop in a DVD he made her and Ben, of him reading them 3 books. God Bless USO!  Anyway, last night I was reading to her the story of "Snow White",  and at the end of the story it says "And they lived happily ever after" like in most Princess stories and she asked me, "Mom, what does that mean?". It wasn't too hard to find the words simply because I feel like I have that already. So, I told her, "It's when two people love each other and get married. They live together for the rest of their lives, they have kids and are happy forever!" I wasn't so surprised to hear her say "Mom, I want to be a Princess and love a Prince forever." Since my daughter has always admired princesses and talks about finding her prince often. Usually I would say, "But you're already my Princess" or "You're too little to think about Princes", but last night she didn't let me speak until she got her point across, so she continued...

"But if I am not a Princess I want to be a dentist... or a mermaid, OK?" What an extreme jump! From attainable fairytale, to realistic possibility, to the completely impossible! LOL. That's our girl. All I could say was "You have plenty of time to figure out what you want to do, and when you decide, all mommy and daddy will say is "Go for it!" because we know you can do anything". But it gave me a brief window to a little girls mind that's already growing. It scares me. I'd like her to stay this way forever. 

Of course at the same time, I can't wait to see this already BRILLIANT little girl, grow up to be something great. Never a mermaid but great none-the-less. No matter what I will always have these memories to hold on to!

Peace, Love, Sanity.

Happy Inauguration!.... To me.

I've been interested in starting a blog since I can remember. Only recently did I realize that it was an attainable dream.. OK. Dream is too big a word, but I have wanted to share my life with those people who don't know what it's like to be a wife, and still feel like a single mom...  Simply because I'm married to a soldier who has spent 60% of his time on deployment. My children and I have learned to get by without him. That's not to say we don't need him. We do. Everyday, I wake up and find myself still reaching for him. I have days when deployment feels surreal, I wake up with an inexplicable desire to call him at work and say "I had the most unbelievable dream!", When it wasn't a dream at all. I AM alone, he is deployed and I can't call him. It's hard, it's complicated and it's chaotic. Everyday, there's something. Wether you have two cars with drained batteries, because your 4 year old left the over head light on, overnight or there's a crazed lunatic on the post you call home and there's MP on loudspeaker telling you "The public is safe. Remain in doors. Secure all windows and doors"...  almost like something from a movie of Alien Invasions. Only instead of aliens they're idiots...

It's not always bad, but it is always something. As a military spouse [and I'm sure other wives deal with this one] you have to deal with criticism, sometimes it's strangers, occasionally it's friends and even family. For some reason, when I go out people feel like they have every right to comment on my life, wether it's a relative (you're not even close to), saying -"I can't believe you decided to have kids knowing he'd eventually leave? You should have waited! Do you think you're doing right by this child?" Yes we did have children, because we love each other and the purpose of our getting married was to start a family! We are doing excellent by our children, far or not my husband is still double the father most men are! I can say that, my own father wasn't as dedicated to us, as my husband is to our kids... And who made them an expert on my life, anyway!? -

Or it's a stranger asking why you married someone in the service, knowing the terrible things he does to innocent people, in their own country. To those people I say "You obviously, have no idea! My husband as well as many of the other men and women out there, try their hardest to serve their community in any way they can, many soldiers donate items, that their own families send in care packages to the children and families nearby, from toys or food or just candy... to school supplies and even clothes!" So if you happen to be one of those opinionated people who verbally attacks us, on the street, in a shopping center or even in a church... think of all this first and then think of the things we have to sacrifice so that you can have a right to speak at all!

Furthermore if anyone reads this I hope you enjoyed it... I certainly enjoyed writing it! For no matter the difficulty it's a life I'm proud of and I love to share with the world!

Peace, Love, Sanity.