My Hero Falls From Grace.

It's truly saddening to see someone you thought so much of, come crashing down from the pedestal you put him on. My father was always a hero in my eyes. I wrote numerous essays while I was in school, about how incredible he was as a father, a husband and a person in general. Today, all I want to write him is hate mail.

For the first time in my life today I exploded on my mother and I called him a worthless, good for nothing, insensitive ass. I have no respect for him and very little love. At my 24 years of age I have a much higher level of maturity than this man has at 50!

I remember I used to hide behind furniture when his car rolled in the driveway, getting home from work. It was routine that he'd have to come find me when he walked in the door. Only he never found me... I always jumped out at him, and he always acted surprised.

This is much like I think of him now. I always hid from the truth and before it could find me I'd jump out at it to alter the reality in my favor... Truth is; he never played with us, we played with him and even then it was limited. My dad never sat and talked with me about how I was doing in school, with friends or with boys.. or lack there of. He was uninterested in raising us, because he thought that all being a "father" meant, was providing for his family financially.

So now that he doesn't even do that, where does it leave him?

Nowhere. Just another strange face.

Just another person, on the list of people I wish I had the courage to confront. I still love my dad and that hurts the most. Finding out that the person you love, doesn't love you the same. Wanting to beat his face to a pulp and at the same time wishing you could run in to his arms seeking an answer to the simplest question... "Please, say it's not true?"

"Dear Dad,

For a man who's claims to be a devout catholic, your behavior is incredibly unchristian. You are no longer the exemplary man that I could look up to, but the man I will advise my son to never be.

-Jeanette"

How did I get here?

Six years ago, I was a teenage girl. Still living at home, kicking my brothers out of my room, and talking on the phone when I was supposed to be babysitting... I had no real responsibilities, no  stresses and virtually no worries beyond those that a normal 18/19 year old girl deals with.  For example: My parents and their ongoing arguments, my plunging grades, and my brothers "borrowing" cd's without permission.

Today, I'm a wife and mother. 

WOW!

Today, I'm a wife and mother. Yes, I repeated, it's just that surreal. I'm so blessed, incredibly happy, beyond all my dreams and expectations; of course. Still, somedays it's a shock. Everyday it's unbelievable, too good to be true. Earlier, I caught myself staring at this photograph of my husband.

MY husband. This sweet, caring individual, is my HUSBAND! I can't help but gush at the plain and simple image of this man. This photograph does him no justice, because although I feel, it radiates the compassion, affection, trust and love, that make up this gentle man. It's not all of him. No words could ever really define him justly.

I am the luckiest woman alive. He spoils me with all the riches life has to offer, Love, Faith, Hope, Joy, Romance and even Lust. I lust for him as much as I love him. As much as I am IN love with him. I was fourteen years old when we started dating and from day one, it was as if we'd been together forever and we knew we would continue to be together, forever and always, him and I. It was never a matter of "If" we get married, but "When" we get married. He's two years my elder and I was always more mature than a normal girl my age. We spoke of our Holy union as a matter of fact, never a doubt in either of our minds. It scared me to think of sometimes. I was so young and wanted to settle down but seeing the relationship that my own parents had and the various problems they encountered made me fear commitment. I knew anyway, I was crazy wanting to settle down at sixteen. We continued dating even broke up twice, and in the end it all worked out. We married when I was nineteen.

Now, as I sit here online, browsing through the pictures he's posted most recently, I wish I had him near me. I miss him so much, I feel this intense sadness when we're apart. I don't like having to see my husband through pictures and webcam's, I hate not being able to hold him late at night and tell him I love him in person. I always made it a point to tell him I loved him before we went to bed, that's no longer an option. It pains me to have to miss him but I realized today, at least I have someone to miss. I have someone who misses me. I have love across thousands of miles and I feel it pulse through me when he says those words I so long to hear. "I love you!"

Peace. Love. Sanity

The Hardest Part....

For me at least, I will have to say, is being so far away from family. Then watching it fall to pieces. And being the person they call to put the puzzle back together, but i'm 1100 miles away!

My parents relationship has been rocky since day 1, every year they had one big fight, and every year at every age and stage in my own life, I tried to remedy the situation. At 16 I asked them to get a divorce. At that age I had begun been failing in school, I'd become less motivated, and extremely depressed. I had no idea at that time that I had ADHD, and it was complicating everything about me. Now, my parents weren't like most parents who attempt to at least shelter their children from problems in the marriage.

My parents were different. My mother would often rant about my dad having an affair, about how terrible it was, and always made herself feel less guilty about telling me these things, by either beginning or concluding with "I don't tell you this so you can hate your father". So why else would you tell your 13 year old this? My father who rarely spent any quality time with us, would randomly say "Jeanette, wanna go get some ice cream?". The first time this happened, I was ecstatic, especially since I LOVED my dad and seldom got to do anything with him.  When we got there, we ordered our ice cream and went to sit outside, then he asked me rather suddenly "Do you think your mom still loves me?". I felt betrayed and what was worse, my sweet rainbow sherbet, became sour. I couldn't help but say the first thing that came to mind "Why don't you ask her?". He said nothing more to me.

Today, my parents have separated, but things are no better. My dad closed their joint account about 8 months ago without warning and left my mother broke. He only just moved out early this year in January, taking my middle sibling with him and won't give her a cent. My 21 year old brother has been supporting her and my youngest brother, as well as my mentally disabled uncle. They placed their home of 4 years on short sale after a year of not making payments and are mandated to move out by the end of the month, they have nowhere to go. It's an incredibly difficult situation, It is even more complicated today, because in a matter of days, my 21 year old brother will have surgery done. Which means he won't be able to work for 2 months. Did I mention my mom is unemployed?

He's panicking, with good reason, about how they'll survive without his income. It's not even his responsibility!!! Today on his myspace he posted this in a Survey:

"Are you happy with your life right now?

Why wouldn't I be? Everyday new day brings me that much closer to death."

The hardest part is watching my family fall to pieces and not being there to pick them up. The worst part is not wanting to.

I love my family and admire my siblings for their strength and endurance. But have become gravely disappointed in my father, for his irresponsibility and insensitivity and my mother for her lack in action and self help.

Peace, Love, Sanity.

Naturally...

If you're a mom, then you deal with the basic, everyday, take kids to school (or daycare), after school activities, clean up rooms, do laundry, make dinner. Some master the art of making a jogging suit look like a million bucks. Not me. We all deal, at one point or another, with poo in our finger nails, vomit on our best top, and waffles in our hair... oh wait, thats possibly, just me. Eventually, we all get the mom cut, because It's like an initiation rite. We all deal with these things, at least once.  And It makes us the strong, wonderful mothers that we are.

I had this happen to me today and it wouldn't be the first time. Definitely not, the first time. I've dealt with infant diarrhea, and constipation, as well as what my husband and I like to call, projectile poo! I can handle it all with ease. Today, I was playing with my kids in my room, climbing on my bed and jumping around like crazy people; we do this often. My daughter had just finished her waffle breakfast and unbeknownst to me had a mouthful of delicious, syrupy, waffle drool. When I took her in my arms and lifted her up to make her "fly", the mushy substance came falling from her chuckling mouth, and straight into my freshly washed and dried hair. Spectacular!!!! I could not help but burst into uncontrollable  laughter.

Fact is, this stuff happens. It takes me an hour to do my hair, not to mention, shower time. And then it rains or drool lands in it... I would've been furious 5 years ago had it been my brothers doing. It's incredible how much having your own kids changes you! I have always been mature for my age, I'm more adult than my parents half the time. Which is ironic. Having children has taken me to a whole new level of maturity, and it's a great feeling knowing that if I haven't accomplished much in life, at least I've been a great wife and mother. Nothing in my life has been bigger or better than motherhood. Today was a reminder of that. Spit and waffle drool in my hair was not only a marvelous conditioner for my hair, but did wonders for my heart. I can still hear my daughters giggles upon realizing she had showered me in this substance. It was Incredible!

Peace, Love, Sanity, for all.

Why on Earth am I up so early?

I have a four year old little girl and a ten month old little man... they used to wake up at 9am which was great but recently started waking  up at 7:30 am, well today I was up at 5:40am and have been up since!!! I'm a raging lunatic! I should be sleeping but as tired as I feel I was interested in checking the weather and now I just can't go back to sleep it's 6:52 am and more than likely my son will be up in about 30 minutes... So what would be the point? I figure might as well come here and rant obsessively. 

Well, now that, that's over; let me tell you about something my daughter said to me last night. It's customary for either my husband and I, or both, to read our kids a book before bed. Since my husband is currently unavailable, I do the reading . Although occasionally she is so desperate to see her daddy and hear his voice we pop in a DVD he made her and Ben, of him reading them 3 books. God Bless USO!  Anyway, last night I was reading to her the story of "Snow White",  and at the end of the story it says "And they lived happily ever after" like in most Princess stories and she asked me, "Mom, what does that mean?". It wasn't too hard to find the words simply because I feel like I have that already. So, I told her, "It's when two people love each other and get married. They live together for the rest of their lives, they have kids and are happy forever!" I wasn't so surprised to hear her say "Mom, I want to be a Princess and love a Prince forever." Since my daughter has always admired princesses and talks about finding her prince often. Usually I would say, "But you're already my Princess" or "You're too little to think about Princes", but last night she didn't let me speak until she got her point across, so she continued...

"But if I am not a Princess I want to be a dentist... or a mermaid, OK?" What an extreme jump! From attainable fairytale, to realistic possibility, to the completely impossible! LOL. That's our girl. All I could say was "You have plenty of time to figure out what you want to do, and when you decide, all mommy and daddy will say is "Go for it!" because we know you can do anything". But it gave me a brief window to a little girls mind that's already growing. It scares me. I'd like her to stay this way forever. 

Of course at the same time, I can't wait to see this already BRILLIANT little girl, grow up to be something great. Never a mermaid but great none-the-less. No matter what I will always have these memories to hold on to!

Peace, Love, Sanity.

Happy Inauguration!.... To me.

I've been interested in starting a blog since I can remember. Only recently did I realize that it was an attainable dream.. OK. Dream is too big a word, but I have wanted to share my life with those people who don't know what it's like to be a wife, and still feel like a single mom...  Simply because I'm married to a soldier who has spent 60% of his time on deployment. My children and I have learned to get by without him. That's not to say we don't need him. We do. Everyday, I wake up and find myself still reaching for him. I have days when deployment feels surreal, I wake up with an inexplicable desire to call him at work and say "I had the most unbelievable dream!", When it wasn't a dream at all. I AM alone, he is deployed and I can't call him. It's hard, it's complicated and it's chaotic. Everyday, there's something. Wether you have two cars with drained batteries, because your 4 year old left the over head light on, overnight or there's a crazed lunatic on the post you call home and there's MP on loudspeaker telling you "The public is safe. Remain in doors. Secure all windows and doors"...  almost like something from a movie of Alien Invasions. Only instead of aliens they're idiots...

It's not always bad, but it is always something. As a military spouse [and I'm sure other wives deal with this one] you have to deal with criticism, sometimes it's strangers, occasionally it's friends and even family. For some reason, when I go out people feel like they have every right to comment on my life, wether it's a relative (you're not even close to), saying -"I can't believe you decided to have kids knowing he'd eventually leave? You should have waited! Do you think you're doing right by this child?" Yes we did have children, because we love each other and the purpose of our getting married was to start a family! We are doing excellent by our children, far or not my husband is still double the father most men are! I can say that, my own father wasn't as dedicated to us, as my husband is to our kids... And who made them an expert on my life, anyway!? -

Or it's a stranger asking why you married someone in the service, knowing the terrible things he does to innocent people, in their own country. To those people I say "You obviously, have no idea! My husband as well as many of the other men and women out there, try their hardest to serve their community in any way they can, many soldiers donate items, that their own families send in care packages to the children and families nearby, from toys or food or just candy... to school supplies and even clothes!" So if you happen to be one of those opinionated people who verbally attacks us, on the street, in a shopping center or even in a church... think of all this first and then think of the things we have to sacrifice so that you can have a right to speak at all!

Furthermore if anyone reads this I hope you enjoyed it... I certainly enjoyed writing it! For no matter the difficulty it's a life I'm proud of and I love to share with the world!

Peace, Love, Sanity.