For me at least, I will have to say, is being so far away from family. Then watching it fall to pieces. And being the person they call to put the puzzle back together, but i'm 1100 miles away!
My parents relationship has been rocky since day 1, every year they had one big fight, and every year at every age and stage in my own life, I tried to remedy the situation. At 16 I asked them to get a divorce. At that age I had begun been failing in school, I'd become less motivated, and extremely depressed. I had no idea at that time that I had ADHD, and it was complicating everything about me. Now, my parents weren't like most parents who attempt to at least shelter their children from problems in the marriage.
My parents were different. My mother would often rant about my dad having an affair, about how terrible it was, and always made herself feel less guilty about telling me these things, by either beginning or concluding with "I don't tell you this so you can hate your father". So why else would you tell your 13 year old this? My father who rarely spent any quality time with us, would randomly say "Jeanette, wanna go get some ice cream?". The first time this happened, I was ecstatic, especially since I LOVED my dad and seldom got to do anything with him. When we got there, we ordered our ice cream and went to sit outside, then he asked me rather suddenly "Do you think your mom still loves me?". I felt betrayed and what was worse, my sweet rainbow sherbet, became sour. I couldn't help but say the first thing that came to mind "Why don't you ask her?". He said nothing more to me.
Today, my parents have separated, but things are no better. My dad closed their joint account about 8 months ago without warning and left my mother broke. He only just moved out early this year in January, taking my middle sibling with him and won't give her a cent. My 21 year old brother has been supporting her and my youngest brother, as well as my mentally disabled uncle. They placed their home of 4 years on short sale after a year of not making payments and are mandated to move out by the end of the month, they have nowhere to go. It's an incredibly difficult situation, It is even more complicated today, because in a matter of days, my 21 year old brother will have surgery done. Which means he won't be able to work for 2 months. Did I mention my mom is unemployed?
He's panicking, with good reason, about how they'll survive without his income. It's not even his responsibility!!! Today on his myspace he posted this in a Survey:
"Are you happy with your life right now?
Why wouldn't I be? Everyday new day brings me that much closer to death."
The hardest part is watching my family fall to pieces and not being there to pick them up. The worst part is not wanting to.
I love my family and admire my siblings for their strength and endurance. But have become gravely disappointed in my father, for his irresponsibility and insensitivity and my mother for her lack in action and self help.
Peace, Love, Sanity.
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